Heartbreak, or Heart Break?
Ending a relationship is always hard. There are so many fears of the unknown and unanswered questions, and not to mention the hurt feelings. The relationship between the two of you isn't the only one that ends, either. You lose your relationship with his family, his friends, and even his dog. I think that's what makes things even harder.
It seems like I've been wrapped around his finger for such a long time, that I've almost lost who I am on my own. It's impossible to pour from an empty cup, and that's just what I've been doing for the last year and a half.
I love this guy, or at least the idea of him. I know it's going to take my heart some time before it will be able to love again. I know I need to make time for myself, so I can learn about my own wants and needs. I've been living in a dream where I thought I was the best a guy could get and that I deserved the world on a silver platter. Though that may be true in some instances, there will always be parts of myself that need work. Right now, my underlying happiness needs the most attention.
Thinking of being happy without him is a scary thought. However, the real question is: Was I even happy with him? Answer: No. I was not happy.
Though I may have tricked myself into believing that I was happy, it was evident to everyone around me that I was miserable. We constantly fought about things that didn't even matter. Although that may seem endearing, it was quite the opposite. We fought about not hanging out because he didn't have fuel to drive to my house. We fought about things that happened in the past. We fought about the fact that he couldn't read my mind and therefore didn't say or do what I wanted. We fought all the time. It was ridiculous.
Not only was the fighting an issue, but nearly everything else caused problems as well. Being a woman, I deserve chivalry and respect. Now, I'm not asking for every single door to be opened or for flowers every week. But it would have been nice to be told I was beautiful every so often. It would have been even nicer to be taken out on a date, too. I wasn't feeling fulfilled or satisfied by our relationship, and I projected those feelings onto him. This wasn't entirely fair, but can you blame me? I talked to him multiple times about what I wanted out of our relationship, and he never seemed to meet my standards. Yet, I stuck around.
To this day, I have absolutely no idea why anyone would stay with someone who didn't make them happy. I know why I did, though. I was scared. I was scared to meet new people. I was scared to let go of everything I thought we had. I felt like damaged goods, and I didn't think anyone else would want me. I loved the idea of growing old with someone and making memories that would last a lifetime.
How could I do that if I wasn't happy? Did I really want to marry this guy when he had never brought me flowers? When he wouldn't rub my feet? When he hated cuddling? Could I honestly see myself 10, 20 years from now with this guy that made me feel two inches tall?
SMACK SOME SENSE INTO YOURSELF, JESSIE!
Through all the fights and drama and heartache and grief, I just couldn't see the bright side anymore. I couldn't keep telling myself, and everyone else, that I loved this guy. I couldn't go another day knowing I was lying to myself and shielding my heart from true, unconditional love. I had to cut things off.
Seems easy, right?
Well, after countless break ups and make ups, "I hate you"'s and "I'm sorry"'s, I finally realized things were not going to get any better. He told me every single time that he wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved better, that he was holding me back. I couldn't believe him. I didn't want to. For some reason, I felt an (almost) unbreakable connection to him. I couldn't see a future without him in it.
Notice the past tense.
Today, I see a future bright and happy. I see smiles and laughs with my friends. I see tears of joy as I make memories with my family. I see a career that will challenge me. I see someone at the end of that aisle, waiting for me to be theirs forever. Someone who will surprise me with flowers, or rub my feet after a day at work, or laugh at all the silly questions I ask. Someone who will make me happy.
Unlike most bitter ex-girlfriends, I'm not saying my ex is a bad person. He's a good person, with a huge heart. He just isn't my person. And I don't think I was his person, either.
And ya know what? I'm okay with that. After all, I think a girl's heart could use a break.
It seems like I've been wrapped around his finger for such a long time, that I've almost lost who I am on my own. It's impossible to pour from an empty cup, and that's just what I've been doing for the last year and a half.
I love this guy, or at least the idea of him. I know it's going to take my heart some time before it will be able to love again. I know I need to make time for myself, so I can learn about my own wants and needs. I've been living in a dream where I thought I was the best a guy could get and that I deserved the world on a silver platter. Though that may be true in some instances, there will always be parts of myself that need work. Right now, my underlying happiness needs the most attention.
Thinking of being happy without him is a scary thought. However, the real question is: Was I even happy with him? Answer: No. I was not happy.
Though I may have tricked myself into believing that I was happy, it was evident to everyone around me that I was miserable. We constantly fought about things that didn't even matter. Although that may seem endearing, it was quite the opposite. We fought about not hanging out because he didn't have fuel to drive to my house. We fought about things that happened in the past. We fought about the fact that he couldn't read my mind and therefore didn't say or do what I wanted. We fought all the time. It was ridiculous.
Not only was the fighting an issue, but nearly everything else caused problems as well. Being a woman, I deserve chivalry and respect. Now, I'm not asking for every single door to be opened or for flowers every week. But it would have been nice to be told I was beautiful every so often. It would have been even nicer to be taken out on a date, too. I wasn't feeling fulfilled or satisfied by our relationship, and I projected those feelings onto him. This wasn't entirely fair, but can you blame me? I talked to him multiple times about what I wanted out of our relationship, and he never seemed to meet my standards. Yet, I stuck around.
To this day, I have absolutely no idea why anyone would stay with someone who didn't make them happy. I know why I did, though. I was scared. I was scared to meet new people. I was scared to let go of everything I thought we had. I felt like damaged goods, and I didn't think anyone else would want me. I loved the idea of growing old with someone and making memories that would last a lifetime.
How could I do that if I wasn't happy? Did I really want to marry this guy when he had never brought me flowers? When he wouldn't rub my feet? When he hated cuddling? Could I honestly see myself 10, 20 years from now with this guy that made me feel two inches tall?
SMACK SOME SENSE INTO YOURSELF, JESSIE!
Through all the fights and drama and heartache and grief, I just couldn't see the bright side anymore. I couldn't keep telling myself, and everyone else, that I loved this guy. I couldn't go another day knowing I was lying to myself and shielding my heart from true, unconditional love. I had to cut things off.
Seems easy, right?
Well, after countless break ups and make ups, "I hate you"'s and "I'm sorry"'s, I finally realized things were not going to get any better. He told me every single time that he wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved better, that he was holding me back. I couldn't believe him. I didn't want to. For some reason, I felt an (almost) unbreakable connection to him. I couldn't see a future without him in it.
Notice the past tense.
Today, I see a future bright and happy. I see smiles and laughs with my friends. I see tears of joy as I make memories with my family. I see a career that will challenge me. I see someone at the end of that aisle, waiting for me to be theirs forever. Someone who will surprise me with flowers, or rub my feet after a day at work, or laugh at all the silly questions I ask. Someone who will make me happy.
Unlike most bitter ex-girlfriends, I'm not saying my ex is a bad person. He's a good person, with a huge heart. He just isn't my person. And I don't think I was his person, either.
And ya know what? I'm okay with that. After all, I think a girl's heart could use a break.
Comments
Post a Comment