My Monster

My very first blog post.. This reminds me of writing in my diary when I was younger (which I was terrible at). I honestly don’t even know where to begin, so I guess I’ll start with the beginning. I should warn you, I’m not afraid to get deep, and I won’t hold back or sugar coat anything I write here.

I created this blog to help me cope with my anxiety and depression. Who knows, it could even help others cope with theirs as well. It sounds so cliché as I’m typing this, but I never thought I would be diagnosed with the D word. Although it runs in my family, I thought I was immune to the monstrous creature.I had a happy childhood, for the most part. I grew up surrounded by a loving family who bent over backwards time and time again to make sure I never had to go without. They say that hindsight is always 20/20. Today, I can attest to that fact. 

I had a shitty childhood.

My father was an alcoholic. My mother had Multiple Sclerosis and she went crazy. My family was poor. I wore clothes from secondhand stores and they were hardly “girl clothes” at all. I couldn’t keep a friendship to save my life.

Before you start thinking, ‘This girl doesn’t appreciate shit,’ you should know that there is always another side to every story. 

My shitty childhood could have been way shittier. 

I can’t tell you that I ever had to go to bed without dinner, because my dad always made sure to feed me a full meal each night. I can’t tell you that my mother neglected me, because I was all she could talk about. I was all she ever talked about. Ican’t tell you that I never had a Christmas, because I received gifts each year, whether they were hand-me-downs or small items. I can’t tell you that I wasn’t taught to love others unconditionally, because my ‘poor’ family is so rich in compassion and support.

So in some ways, I had a damned good childhood.

Let’s fast forward to today. I am 20 years young, enrolled in school and working a full time job. I drive a new car that I bought myself. I live in a gorgeous house with two girls who bring light to my world. I’m in love with a man who, although he wouldn’t admit it to you, would go above and beyond to take care of me. I have the support of my family, regardless of my decisions. 

…But I have depression.

Today, I call my disease my Monster.

I view depression as a living, breathing thing (hence the name ‘Monster’). It’s not just something I can “get over.” It’s constantly leaning over my shoulder and watching my every movement, trying to weasel its way into my life more and more.It’s ugly. It’s annoying. It’s scary. It’s everything you imagine a monster to be.

It took me 20 years to come to the realization that it’s okay to not be okay, that it’s acceptable to ask for help. I’ll tell you what though, those 20 years were hell. Sometimes it can still be hell. But that’s what depression does to a person. It sneaks away in the darkness for a bit, and just when you’re starting to feel alright again, it comes bursting into the room with an unwelcomed “Did ya miss me?” And all over again, you feel sucked into its unrelenting grip.

But hey, the meds help.

Depression is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as having 9 specific symptoms:

1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).

2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day

3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite

4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia

5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation

6. Fatigue or loss of energy

7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness

9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

Having 5 of these 9 symptoms is criteria for having depression.

I can say I have 8 of these symptoms. Eight?! That’s just insane (pun not intended).

My Monster has led my life in all sorts of crazy and unexpected directions. It is a daily battle to keep the Monster buried away. I don’t feel comfortable embracing my condition, but then again, who would feel comfortable doing so? I am constantly learning more about myself as I begin to recognize triggers that lead to uncontrolled emotions. I see a therapist every 2-3 weeks, and I take her advice and suggestions very seriously. Although I am taking steps in an upward direction, my Monster still shows itself every day, stinky breath and all.

One day, I will be able to look back at this point in my life, give my Monster the finger, and walk away from it forever.

One day.

If you are thinking of harming yourself or someone else, please don’t hesitate to get help. Call 1-800-273-8255 to be connected with a skilled and trained counselor at a crisis center in your area. These counselors are available 24/7.