And You Love All My Dark

Yet again, my heart has been broken. I won't ever understand how a man boy can cheat on his girlfriend. I won't ever understand how someone who once promised me the world could look at me with cold eyes and tell me he doesn't love me anymore. More importantly, I'll never understand why I keep falling for the same lies and stories from the same kinds of boys.  I just want to be loved. It's a simple request, really.   There are so many what ifs and woulda, coulda, shouldas that have been running through my mind these last few weeks.  What if I loved you more? What if I didn't complain? What if I was funnier? I shoulda gave you more space. I shoulda spent more time on our relationship. But then again, I shoulda known... You weren't good enough for me. It's not the other way around. It never was. It never will be.  I need someone who will support me and build me up.  You drug me down.  I need someone who tries to understand my depression and anxiety.  You...

Many people do not know this, but I was in a mental hospital last year in June. I was admitted for suicidal ideation. I spent the longest 48 hours of my life wearing a hospital gown and socks and listening to addicts and alcoholics talk about their lives. It was the loneliest I have ever felt. It was my bottom. I wanted to post this entry on the one year mark of the incident, but life got in the way and this was the last thing on my mind. This letter is something I wish I had a year ago. It could have saved me a lot of grief and trouble. But then again, everything happens for a reason . Dear Past Jessie, I know you are feeling worthless and incomplete. I know you feel as if there is no way out besides killing yourself. I know you believe deep down that you are a burden to everyone around you. Trust me when I tell you this: It gets better . Though it seems impossible, you will feel like a new woman in no time. This part of your life is a very important stepping stone, and you mu...

Too often we are told how to feel, what to love, what to expect from other people, etc. etc. from social media. I can't scroll through Twitter, Facebook or Instagram without seeing at least one post from someone with the caption "Relationship Goals," "I need a man like this," or even "This is why I'm single." I'll admit, I'm guilty of posting similar things, but that's not what this blog entry is about. I want you to take a moment and think of the word love. L-O-V-E What comes to mind? Your boyfriend/girlfriend? Your husband/wife? Your Pinterest wall with your perfectly planned out wedding? Not to belittle any of the above thoughts, but have you ever pictured something else in your mind when you think of the word love? I'll tell you what I see.  I see my 4-year-old cousin running up to me to tell me all about his day only to talk so fast he forgets what he was saying. I see my cat Anabell rubbing her face in my hair at night before ...

For my fellow ladies. Can you name a time in your life where you've felt 100% beautiful? I mean sure, we all have good hair days, or good make up days, or even days where we feel absolutely hot. But I'm asking about beauty. Have you ever looked at yourself and thought, ' Wow, I am truly beautiful '? Beauty doesn't have to be just about looks. I believe it's more about what's on the inside. It's about the essence you have as a woman. The way in which you carry yourself portrays your beauty to those around you, and honestly, I think this is more empowering than any hairstyle or makeup trend. Recently, I've experienced a time where I felt totally and completely beautiful: I had boudoir pictures taken for a special someone for Valentine's Day. You may be thinking, ' But doesn't it matter more what he thinks about them than how you felt about them? ' Well, I went into it with the same thought. I wanted to make him happy, and I had no inten...

Dear Anxiety, I know we haven't known each other for very long, but I feel like we've come to a point in our relationship where I need to let you go. You scare me. You make me feel 2 inches tall. You're just too demanding and needy I can't deal with it anymore. I am sick and tired of you making me feel out of control of my mind and body. I don't feel safe with you around. It's time for us to split up. Believe me, this is going to be hard for me, although I came to this decision rather easily. You have had such a strong grip on my life for the last 7 months, and it feels like you know me all too well by now. You know what buttons to push to make me embrace you and give you attention. You know the right things to say in order to get the reaction you want. You're so intertwined with my mind and body that I honestly don't know how I could ever completely let you go. The scariest part of this decision is knowing that you will try to become stronger and ...