True Love

Too often we are told how to feel, what to love, what to expect from other people, etc. etc. from social media. I can't scroll through Twitter, Facebook or Instagram without seeing at least one post from someone with the caption "Relationship Goals," "I need a man like this," or even "This is why I'm single."

I'll admit, I'm guilty of posting similar things, but that's not what this blog entry is about.

I want you to take a moment and think of the word love. L-O-V-E

What comes to mind? Your boyfriend/girlfriend? Your husband/wife? Your Pinterest wall with your perfectly planned out wedding?

Not to belittle any of the above thoughts, but have you ever pictured something else in your mind when you think of the word love?

I'll tell you what I see. 

I see my 4-year-old cousin running up to me to tell me all about his day only to talk so fast he forgets what he was saying. I see my cat Anabell rubbing her face in my hair at night before bed. I see the smile on my best friend's face when I come home with prizes for her. 

One thing I just recently started seeing, however, is my own reflection. 

How corny, right?

Wrong. 

The everlasting question I have heard over the last few years has been How can you love anyone or anything else if you don't know how to love yourself first?

It has been so easy to brush this question off and move on. I have a wonderful quality of putting other people before myself. This awesome attribute, however, is starting to become a fault. Although it is extremely important to love others and be there for them, it is nearly impossible to do this without loving myself first.

Similar to other women my age, I dream of being loved by a wonderful man and living a life full of romance and adventure. This has lead me to pursue relationships with boys who simply don't deserve my time. I see some form of good in them and I cling to that little ounce of hope, even when they walk all over me and treat me like a used cotton swap. I've been in an abusive relationship. I've been in a hopeless relationship. I've been in an unfaithful relationship. I've had my share of shitty cards dealt when it comes to boys.

Looking back on those relationships, I often ask myself how in the hell I managed to stick it out for as long as I did. Why did I let these people treat me like garbage? Where was my common sense?

The answer, although it was very hard to come to, is simple. 

I didn't love myself enough to see that these boys didn't love me either.

I remember telling myself that if I was just a little better at this, or a little more understanding with that, these boys would love me and never let me go. If I was nicer and let them do whatever they wanted, if I kept the house clean and tidy, if I wore less revealing clothes... Ultimately I didn't think that what I brought to the table was good enough for these people to appreciate me. 

Silly me.

I am awesome. There are no if's and's or but's about it. I am an awesome human and I matter. 

The opinions of people around me don't affect me. If someone thinks I'm too upfront, too cocky, too stubborn, or too whatever, I simply don't care. I give time to those who give time to me. I care for and nurture the people who care for and nurture me. I put effort into relationships with people who return that effort. I appreciate the people who appreciate me.

This has lead me to put myself first in situations. Similar to what I learn in school, I cannot care for people if I am not safe and secure with myself. Though my instincts tell me to rush into a scene and treat patients, I cannot do this if the scene is not safe. If I get electrocuted by a downed power line, or hit by a moving vehicle, I'm now unable to care for anyone around me.

The same goes for relationships. If I rush into a situation without first confirming my ability to do so, I will end up hurt. I must know that I will be able to care for myself while I am also caring for this person. I must love myself first.

Although the journey of self love has been a tough one, it has been rewarding as well. It's a wonderful feeling to appreciate myself without being affected by wondering if others appreciate me. I believe this self confidence attracts good people.

I feel better about the decisions I make. I enjoy life. Most importantly, I love myself.