I'm Anxious...For You to Leave
Dear Anxiety,
I know we haven't known each other for very long, but I feel like we've come to a point in our relationship where I need to let you go. You scare me. You make me feel 2 inches tall. You're just too demanding and needy I can't deal with it anymore. I am sick and tired of you making me feel out of control of my mind and body. I don't feel safe with you around. It's time for us to split up.
Believe me, this is going to be hard for me, although I came to this decision rather easily. You have had such a strong grip on my life for the last 7 months, and it feels like you know me all too well by now. You know what buttons to push to make me embrace you and give you attention. You know the right things to say in order to get the reaction you want. You're so intertwined with my mind and body that I honestly don't know how I could ever completely let you go.
The scariest part of this decision is knowing that you will try to become stronger and stronger with each day. You will not loosen your grip, and I know it's because you have me wrapped around your finger. You are going to get more aggressive and less forgiving.
I've got some news for you: I can and will sever this relationship. You will be nothing to me, and I will never give you the time of day again.
Don't waste your time trying to bring me down anymore, because I am bigger and better than you.
Insincerely,
Jessie
Struggling with depression and anxiety simultaneously has placed many obstacles in my daily life. It is difficult to perform many things with the Monster and his Sidekick on my back. Picture this: You are waiting for a class to begin. This is the first time you've been here, and you do not know anyone else in the class. You begin to examine the environment around you and realize the classroom is small and crowded. You notice the various types of people surrounding you and immediately you start sizing yourself up to them.
Then the fun part begins.
You start thinking about the ultimate fear of failure that is always present before anything new. You start hearing yourself think that you are not good enough to be in this class; you're just going to mess it up anyways. You won't do well here and everyone will notice. You aren't going to come out of this with anything positive because you aren't good at learning new things. You will fail and no one will help you.
Your hands clam up. You feel your body temperature rising, and your breathing increases rapidly. You can't sit still and all you want to do is grab onto something, anything. You need to leave this situation because leaving will make these feelings go away. You cannot calm down, nor can you stop feeling out of control. You begin looking at the exit and picturing yourself getting up and walking out. You can run away from this and running away from this will make the bad feelings go away.
Your breathing is now out of control and you cannot keep still to save your life. You're perspiring heavily and you feel your face reddening. It's a matter of time before you keel over and pass out.
Anxiety attacks are no joke. I have an attack at least once a week, and it takes a lot out of me. Not only do the attacks phsyically exhaust me, but they take a toll on my mind as well. If I had to guess, I would say it takes me an average of 20-30 minutes to completely recouperate after an anxiety attack.
And even then, the anxiety never really goes away.
I get anxious in large crowds. I get anxious when more than one person is talking at once. I get anxious driving on the freeway. I get anxious walking into buildings. I get anxious thinking about my relationships with my friends and family. I get anxious over things that may seem little to anyone else. To me, these things control my mind every single day.
I have learned that anxiety is like a dog begging for table scraps. The more attention you give it, the more and more it interrupts and annoys you. Once you give in and pay it the teeniest bit of attention, it jumps in your face and won't leave you alone. It has absolute control and demand over your actions until you literally force it to go away.
The good thing about a begging dog is that you can make it stop and leave. I like to think the same of my anxiety.
Although I feel the constant watching eyes of my anxiety on my back, I am beginning to learn how to ignore them and get on with my daily life. It is a huge struggle, because I have been so used to giving in to my emotions for so long. But I know I can do it.
I have people in my life who help me every step of the way. My amazing best friends are so understanding and thoughtful. They truly know how to make me feel appreciated. The wonderful man I have been seeing for the last month (another story for another post) is unbelievably patient with me. He understands what I am going through because he has been in my shoes. I can honestly say I've never met someone who gives me such comfort and protection.
My Monster and his Sidekick are an evil tag team with big egos. Little do they know, I've got my own personal arsenal and I'm not afraid to use it. I am proud to say that I am anxious for this tag team to be gone once and for all.
I know we haven't known each other for very long, but I feel like we've come to a point in our relationship where I need to let you go. You scare me. You make me feel 2 inches tall. You're just too demanding and needy I can't deal with it anymore. I am sick and tired of you making me feel out of control of my mind and body. I don't feel safe with you around. It's time for us to split up.
Believe me, this is going to be hard for me, although I came to this decision rather easily. You have had such a strong grip on my life for the last 7 months, and it feels like you know me all too well by now. You know what buttons to push to make me embrace you and give you attention. You know the right things to say in order to get the reaction you want. You're so intertwined with my mind and body that I honestly don't know how I could ever completely let you go.
The scariest part of this decision is knowing that you will try to become stronger and stronger with each day. You will not loosen your grip, and I know it's because you have me wrapped around your finger. You are going to get more aggressive and less forgiving.
I've got some news for you: I can and will sever this relationship. You will be nothing to me, and I will never give you the time of day again.
Don't waste your time trying to bring me down anymore, because I am bigger and better than you.
Insincerely,
Jessie
Struggling with depression and anxiety simultaneously has placed many obstacles in my daily life. It is difficult to perform many things with the Monster and his Sidekick on my back. Picture this: You are waiting for a class to begin. This is the first time you've been here, and you do not know anyone else in the class. You begin to examine the environment around you and realize the classroom is small and crowded. You notice the various types of people surrounding you and immediately you start sizing yourself up to them.
Then the fun part begins.
You start thinking about the ultimate fear of failure that is always present before anything new. You start hearing yourself think that you are not good enough to be in this class; you're just going to mess it up anyways. You won't do well here and everyone will notice. You aren't going to come out of this with anything positive because you aren't good at learning new things. You will fail and no one will help you.
Your hands clam up. You feel your body temperature rising, and your breathing increases rapidly. You can't sit still and all you want to do is grab onto something, anything. You need to leave this situation because leaving will make these feelings go away. You cannot calm down, nor can you stop feeling out of control. You begin looking at the exit and picturing yourself getting up and walking out. You can run away from this and running away from this will make the bad feelings go away.
Your breathing is now out of control and you cannot keep still to save your life. You're perspiring heavily and you feel your face reddening. It's a matter of time before you keel over and pass out.
Anxiety attacks are no joke. I have an attack at least once a week, and it takes a lot out of me. Not only do the attacks phsyically exhaust me, but they take a toll on my mind as well. If I had to guess, I would say it takes me an average of 20-30 minutes to completely recouperate after an anxiety attack.
And even then, the anxiety never really goes away.
I get anxious in large crowds. I get anxious when more than one person is talking at once. I get anxious driving on the freeway. I get anxious walking into buildings. I get anxious thinking about my relationships with my friends and family. I get anxious over things that may seem little to anyone else. To me, these things control my mind every single day.
I have learned that anxiety is like a dog begging for table scraps. The more attention you give it, the more and more it interrupts and annoys you. Once you give in and pay it the teeniest bit of attention, it jumps in your face and won't leave you alone. It has absolute control and demand over your actions until you literally force it to go away.
The good thing about a begging dog is that you can make it stop and leave. I like to think the same of my anxiety.
Although I feel the constant watching eyes of my anxiety on my back, I am beginning to learn how to ignore them and get on with my daily life. It is a huge struggle, because I have been so used to giving in to my emotions for so long. But I know I can do it.
I have people in my life who help me every step of the way. My amazing best friends are so understanding and thoughtful. They truly know how to make me feel appreciated. The wonderful man I have been seeing for the last month (another story for another post) is unbelievably patient with me. He understands what I am going through because he has been in my shoes. I can honestly say I've never met someone who gives me such comfort and protection.
My Monster and his Sidekick are an evil tag team with big egos. Little do they know, I've got my own personal arsenal and I'm not afraid to use it. I am proud to say that I am anxious for this tag team to be gone once and for all.
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