Your Loss

Yet again, my heart has been broken.

I won't ever understand how a man boy can cheat on his girlfriend. I won't ever understand how someone who once promised me the world could look at me with cold eyes and tell me he doesn't love me anymore.
More importantly, I'll never understand why I keep falling for the same lies and stories from the same kinds of boys. 

I just want to be loved. It's a simple request, really.

 

There are so many what ifs and woulda, coulda, shouldas that have been running through my mind these last few weeks. 
What if I loved you more? What if I didn't complain? What if I was funnier? I shoulda gave you more space. I shoulda spent more time on our relationship.

But then again, I shoulda known...

You weren't good enough for me. It's not the other way around. It never was. It never will be. 

I need someone who will support me and build me up. 
You drug me down. 
I need someone who tries to understand my depression and anxiety. 
You told me I should just get over it. 
I need someone who wants to be involved with my family. 
You never wanted to visit my hometown. 
I need someone who is willing to let me learn.
You expected me to know everything.
I need someone who can give me what I give him.
You gave me nothing but grief.

I need someone who isn't you. 

I am rough and tough, but my heart melts for the people I love and it’s obvious. 
It wasn't obvious to you, however. 

 

See, that's where we differ. I love with everything. You only loved when it was convenient for you. 

I need someone who will love me 100%, all day every day. 

I know I will find that someone. One day. Hopefully one day soon. I also know that it's okay to not be in a relationship; it's okay to be single. 

I loved you with all I had, and that caused me to lose myself. I lost the love I had for me. And how can I love anyone if I don't love myself, right?

I plan to find myself and find a way to love myself again. I plan to be the Jessie I was set out to be. The Jessie I've been these last few weeks isn't the Jessie I want to be. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to sleep all day. I don't want to drink myself into a stupor where I'm crying over my ex. I don't want to be the Jessie who gives in to her Monster. 

I want to be the Jessie who my family knows me as. I want to be the Jessie who falls in love with the world all over again. 

I want to be the Jessie you regret losing. 

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